Just Keep Going

I am now three weeks past my surgery. I know that because today I got the first bill (of what I am sure will be many) for the second cancer surgery. First, I am extremely grateful for a job that offers me insurance. Second, how do people without insurance cope? Wow. Anyway... I am back to work. By mid-day, I am exhausted but you know, you just keep going. I pace myself a bit. I time my meds to get the greatest result. I try to smile my way thought it. We bought a home last week. Because you know you just keep going. My mom will be living with us soon. The kids need space for growing up and friends and life. I continue to walk every morning with increasing mileage in readiness for a half marathon in October. I just keep going step by step - no speed but endurance and me we are pals. I'll be working with my oncologist soon on next steps relative to my cancer treatment. People keep asking what's next? I do not know. I just keep going. And I am really grateful that is the case.

Prayers in Any Language

I am a believer in the power of prayer. Big prayers. Small prayers. The kind of prayers that are barely a whisper of hope. Over the past few weeks I reached out to a dozen or so of my friends who I knew would pray for me in their own way. Those on their knees in direct connection to the Almighty. Those who would burn candles for light and love and healing. Muslim friends who said a du'a to ask Allah to heal me. Jewish friends who said "Eil na rafa na la" as words of hope and comfort for me. But prayers and encouragement also came in the form of neighbor's waves when they saw me outside, nods from fellow walkers, dog sniffs, rabbit twitches, deer sightings. Nathan bounding onto my bed for a snuggle. Yep. A prayer too. There is a universal oneness when we are called to pray for another's healing and comfort. Countries, religions, beliefs, time and distances do not matter. We call out and God listens. When we are too tired or to frightened to say the words. God knows. And sometimes, just sometimes we hear the response we hoped for... My lymph node biopsy was clear. Prayers answered. Gratitude unending.

One Week

It has been a week since my second surgery for the cancer on/in my arm, the lymph node removal under my arm, and the skin graft. One week of recovery. One week of waiting for the lymph node biopsy results. One week of pain management. One week of boredom. One week of loss of control. Unlike a week of vacation, one week feels like a really, really long time when you are waiting for news on your own health. I am right here. Waiting.

Gamma-Girl

When you try to get healthy, you notice stuff. Preparing for a 1/2 Marathon, I am walking everyday and increasing my mileage. I am up to 6 miles on my way to the 13.1. That's the good news. I start strong but then my left leg starts to lag. That is the challenge. Predictable at .7 mile, my left leg starts to feel heavy and slightly drags. By 6 miles I look like Quasimodo limping along (sans hump). I went to an Ortho Doc for x-rays. Clear. Whew. "But since you have cancer..." (I wonder how often that clause will proceed stuff now?) Bone scan ordered, and off I went. Lovely Nurse Jackie kept me in stitches telling me of people who took her "go drink a lot" literally and come back drunk for the second half of the scans. The result they fall off the tiny gamma-ray table. So in my head I am thinking isotopes, gamma-rays, beers, oh my... I chose to drink a lot of water instead. Although I was tempted just for the story value. When I tell the kids this, Nathan reminds me gamma-rays are what made Bruce Banner into the Hulk... hoping not to be green but okay with turning into a superhero full of strength and invulnerability. Bone scan clear. On to the next adventure.

Bump

Bump. As in bump on the arm. Bump in the road. Hit a bump. A small bump can turn a life around. Namely, mine. About two weeks ago I went to my dermatologist for a bump I have had on my arm that was kinda bothering me. In the time it takes for a doctor to say hello, I heard THE word. You know the one. The one people sometimes whisper without even knowing they are doing it. Today I begin my blog again. Bump that cancer. You and me, we're gonna knock against each other for a bit. You have displaced me from some things I value (General Assembly and Global Leadership Summit to name two). You have shifted my attention (in the "oh sh@# kinda way). You have raised my awareness to a whole new language. So here we go jerkin' and jolting along.

Departure

A few departures are painful, raw and just plain hurt. Other exits we run toward with pure bliss. Some seem to come and go with bittersweet memories. Acknowledged. Yet simply passing as a new journey begins. No drama needed today. Just a loaded car, a faithful dog and gratitude for those I love.... because you'll never leave my side anyway.

Boxes

I am not a keeper. I admit it.

I can hold a memory as easily as a box full of stuff symbolizing that memory.

So when it comes to packing up a house, well, I would just as soon start over as sort and box up a bunch of stuff. But sort and box one must sometimes for the others in your life.

My family and I, we have been as happy living in a house staged for sale as we ever were in a house full of things. Just saying.

So instead of packing another box, I think I will just go make another memory with the ones I love.

Little Detour

I love TED. Yesterday, I happened upon Stacey Kramer sharing thoughts on the best gift she ever survived. The lightening bolt for me: “The next time you’re faced with something that’s unexpected, unwanted and uncertain, consider that it just may be a gift.” (for a great reminder, check it out on www.ted.com)

So while many keep asking me am I okay? Worried? Mad? Freaked out? I have to answer I am just fine thank you very much. I am leaning into faith. I am moving way past the "what could have been." And I am reinvesting what matters most - me and my family.

I have the amazing chance to talk and listen to the wisdom of my moms. I have time to converse with my husband on what works best for all of us. We get to consider how to make the next step in some creative ways. And I get the rare chance to push pause and simply slow down and reflect.

An additional bonus of the gift of time determined solely by me, I have been working myself through a series of head to toe items. Health checks ups for my milestone(50)body. Spiritual tune-ins on what is God's plan for our lives. Mental/heart gymnastics on what matters - things and otherwise.

Going 100 miles an hour for years has had its moments. Yet, I will take this gift and open it slowly - determining how fast and which moments to create next. All wrapped up in unexpected and uncertain comes a detour that just keeps giving.

Cluttered

I carry lists in my head.

For quite a while they have been lists focused on really important stuff. What's God speaking into my heart? What does my family need? I carried what my staff needed, what my volunteers needed. I even carried thoughts on what could benefit my community. And of course ideas on world peace.

You know the big stuff.

It was a lot to carry around in my head. Even more for the weight it placed on my heart.

But I find myself with a bit of time to de-clutter. To unload. To lean on rather than necessarily be leaned upon. It's a bit disconcerting but not really in a bad way.

Wading through the quagmire, I find time to be quiet. To listen. To notice who sticks and who doesn't. To contemplate trust and confidence and truth.

And I find myself on the path to start different lists. Rows and lines of what God is whispering. What would comfort my family? Where do I perform at my highest potential? Who would I like to be around in work and leisure? How can I be as cool as one of my local heroes?

I know I have been given a gift - maybe in the form of a challenge - but a gift non-the-less. I noticed. No additional two by fours needed.

Oh and just for the record...world peace is still on the list.

True That

Truisms of the moment...

1. Stick to truth even when it's not always pretty, perfect and can easily be skewed.

2. Glance back fondly and then quickly re-focus forward.

3. Don't stop forgiving yourself and others and offer grace even when not reciprocated.

4. You can't change made-up minds in the moment... and there likely will come a time when you don't really mind that you can't.

5. Absolutely play favorites with those who love excellence and embrace positive change... and encourage as many as you can to join the favorites team.

6. Hindsight and side-line-sights often offer distinctly different views in the moment. Real life doesn't come with a challenge call and a rewind button to see the play in motion. So take the perspective, learn from it and keep playing. (my husband would appreciate that sports analogy)

7. It's nice to have folks who absolutely know your character (flaws and all) and still take the option to like you! It just might surprise you who falls into that bucket when push comes to shove.

8. Early embracing of the idea of change doesn't mean everyone will have the strength to push through the work required to actually get there. Change is messy.

9. Lean into people who pray with and for you.

10. Never. Ever. Stop learning.

Remind Me Who I Am

I have become friends lately with the unexpected and uncontrollable. Not good friends mind you, but friends. We've walked hand and hand. I've been tugged along. And today I was plain drug behind a moving proverbial truck - dusty, soiled, raw.

Jason Gray has an amazing song that speaks to my heart today and the path I and my new pals self-doubt and sorrow share. Here are a couple of the verses...

"When I lose my way and I forget my name,remind me who I am.

In the mirror all I see is who I don't wanna be; remind me who I am.

In the loneliest places,when I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you. Who I am to you. Tell me must I forget who I am to you. That I belong to you. To you.

When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, remind me who I am.

When I can't receive your love, afraid I'll never be enough, remind me who I am.

If I'm your beloved,can you help me believe it..."

LOVE THAT SONG.

Holding on with all my might. Today I am earning the blog title of "recalibrated by grace, living in gratitude."

So glad my awesome God knows I am on this path and has a plan for me to prosper and not to fail.

One Breath. One Step.

Running along the barren corn and bean fields this morning, I had to keep psyching myself up. Feeling overwhelmed, tired... out into the cold air to shake it off.

Peace did not come easily.

I wrestled with my thoughts and memories. Tangled in realities and dreams as if they were in step with me under the gray skies.

One breath. One step. It became my mantra.

Clear my head only to find floods of thoughts seeping back in.

One breath. A flash of sitting with my dad as he took his last exhale. The moment sealed forever in the recesses of my mind. Not one single regret or fear of words unspoken.

One step. Remembering my other dad driving me away from a bad relationship, telling me time heals. Wisdom earned. Lesson lost and relearned with equal patience.

One breath. Late night calls of loss that knock the initial breath away. A brother. A grandfather. Others who came and went but left a mark.

One step. Generational shuffling. Who's watching out for whom? Those cared for become the caretakers.

One breath. One step. A thousand images hitting the pavement. Laughter and tears intertwined. No order.

They land in tempo. Spent.

Second Thoughts

One of the things I am contemplating this winter and trying to pay more attention to is my second thoughts. Not in the regrets kind of way, but rather in the noticed it... will I act on it kind of way.

It has surfaced in small ways. I noticed the can or paper in the parking lot. Do I stop and pick it up kind of moment. I am in a hurry. Do I still take the stairs opportunities? Do I walk down the hall or send the speedy email? Do I write my notes of praise each day...even when I am running late?

Lots of little moments. Lots of tiny opportunities to act on my second thoughts to do the right thing.

Tonight I nearly ran over a big opportunity. Literally.

After I had already gotten comfy for the night, I realized the dogs were out of food. Sure, they could go one night… but I had a second thought on it.

Out I went to get dog food.

Second thoughts are not always convenient.

When I was driving out of the lot, a man was right on the edge of the curb.

Whoa.

I noticed his eyes first. Tired? Sad? I decided they looked weary.

Then I noticed the sign. “Homeless. Looking for work to buy a tent, food and something warm.”

First thought, “I don’t carry or give cash on the street. After all, I don’t know how it will be used.” Score one for my inner cynic.

He gave a bit of a wave, and I drove on.

About a block a way, I heard the second thought. The thought that made me drive ½ a mile, go to a gas station, grab a few dollars and drive back. Yes, that’s right my second thought was explicit. You noticed. Do not overlook it. Go back.

"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me - you failed to do it to me.'” (Matthew 25:45, The Message)

When I spoke to the man, he was much younger than I originally noticed. He was shivering. His teeth chattered as I greeted him and shared my small offering. He spoke a brief thank you and God bless. His eyes lifted ever so slightly.

How will he use the cash? A tent, warmer clothes, food? Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs? I have no idea. But I decided I’d error on the side of not ignoring.

I have so many opportunities to notice and act.

I am choosing not ignore my second thoughts.

Enough Already

When coming back from church this morning I saw a house with all sorts of Christmas items in the yard. There for the world to see was an exorbitamce of holiday cheer gone amuck...Snowman blow up, Santa and his sleigh, Snoopy holiday scene, candy canes, angels, lit-gift boxes, lights everywhere and, of course, baby Jesus in the manger.

Perhaps you know the kind of place I am talking about.

I am sure it brought them joy, but it got me thinking.

As I was paused contemplating the explosion of merriment, I had to wonder what in my life is over the top, excessive, outrageous? What hodge-podge of a mess do I have hanging out - perhaps as glaringly obvious to others as that wacky house, maybe more hidden to everyone but my spirit.

Is it stuff? Perhaps drama? Excessive emotion? Over-the-top frustration? Unwarranted fear? Is it trying to please others? How about judgment? Just what?

I spent the better part of the day then pondering, "When is enough, enough already?"

And on this 1st day of a new year, I decided to keep asking myself that question thoughout the year until I peel away the profusion that pulls me down.

I already feel lighter.

Father's Eyes

Today would have been my father’s 80’s birthday.

I miss him. A lot.

He was a negotiator for Boilermakers. He was a company man. He often had to stand up for what was right when a whole lot of folks were not too pleased with a message he was delivering. Over his life’s work, he was highly respected and indeed loved by his peers – on both sides of the negotiating table.

He was a man who showed up. He cared for his neighbors. He had a work ethic that was inspirational. He failed frequently and apologized quickly. He laughed in abundance. He loved generously and unconditionally.

He had dementia in his final years, and his memory of me was stuck at about my age of 5. There are some advantages to that, but that is another story.

And yes, I was and still am a daddy’s girl.

I’ve thought about him a lot lately especially as I lead my Y team. I think about his passion, his vision, his impatience at times for folks to trust the bigger picture and live out the plan. I think about his desire to care for people.

So today seemed like a good Monday to send a Monday Musing and also post it to my blog in honor of all those things.

My Y team and I have come quite a ways since we started all this work together. We speak new languages of Activate and Gulick. We ask questions, pull data. We add to work loads, ask folks to step away from old habits or work patterns to embrace new ways. We have leaders from the middle. We seek excellence, even when it is outside our comfort zones. We demand a balance of work product and authentic relationship building. We add to the mix deeper community outreach and impact. We build our internal capacity and watch the payoffs rise. Things change so that other things can come together for the times we are in.

The pace seems to speed up. It has.

I notice all the impact they make happen. I see them showing up. I see them negotiating the changes – sometimes with ease and joy, sometimes with stutters and challenge. I see them working together – sometimes in laughter, sometimes with disagreement. Know that it’s all good.

Finally, there’s a song by Amy Grant about “My Father’s Eyes.” She is speaking of our heavenly Father’s eyes, of course… eyes that see the good in things, a source of help, compassion for others. My dad had those eyes. I hope to as well.

Days 19 - 25 Do Not Disappoint

Thankful for the opportunities to keep in tune with blessings one and all.

Day 19: Male cardinals all over our backyard - a thrill to see multiple red birds!

Day 20: My dog Cody just plain loves me. That makes me happy.

Day 21: Still walking the dogs twice a day. Grateful for that new found discipline for me and the dogs.

Day 22: Reflecting on cool meetings with key community leaders. I like meeting new folks and hearing their stories.

Day 23: Doing homework with Rachel makes me think...hard.

Day 24: Rachel's orchestra concert...they sound sooooo much better than this time last year.

Day 25: There is an odd joy that comes from pulling up weeds...especially 3 foot tall weeds that look like they could eat a small dog.

Days 6 - 18: Random Gratitude List Grows

The last two weeks I have jotted notes as the joys and blessings washed over me along with the rain that has been non-stop...

Day 6: There is this amazing sweet smell when I walk the dogs each morning. I cannot figure out where it is wafting from... no gardens in that section of the walk. Perhaps a tree's blooms but nothing obvious. It is a mysterious delight.

Day 7: Birthday party at Jacobson Park. Simply joys of kids (even when they think they are so big) laughing and running around like banshees on a playground!

Day 8: Mom's day. Kid's made breakfast and sweet cards. A day of rest for me from usual weekend routine and hustle.

Day 9: Nate cell phone. Age 10. Boy, did we self-justify that one.

Day 10: Nathan clicks over to double digits. Where did the time go? I wonder when he will stop having me tuck him in at night, read with him or rest with him for a bit to answer life's questions and chat about the day? I am no hurry for those things to change.

Day 11: I am grateful I still write notes by hand. I wish more people did.

Day 12: Robin Hood Marketing book. Good reminders and some new ideas. Need to share the book.

Day 13: Purple iris' in neighbor's yard. Lovely.

Day 14: Love a list for cleaning the house. Obsessive? Yes. Stick like it, yes. Especially when done and the effort lasts for more than an hour!

Day 15: Gary Black on change coming, new Richmond Road Campus Pastor for Southland, "Nervousness is natural. Fear is a choice." Love it. Then traveled.

Chicago. O'Hare Westin Platinum guest. Heavenly Bed; amazing toiletries; iPod docking station in room. Need I say more?

Day 16: Digging on the new Y USA Strategic Plan vision. I really like to learn. Enjoyed Dan Heath video segments and Neil's twirl.

Day 17: I am grateful Kate protects my calendar.

Day 18: Bill Farmer is smart. I like thinking with him. Isabel Taylor is wise. I like learning from her. Chris Coker is hilarious. I like my internal laughs from afar with him.

Days 2, 3, 4, 5: Lessons in the small stuff

Day 2 reminded me that I find joy in clearing my to do piles at work. In that I found happiness today. Simple stuff, but worked for me in my search for gratitude.

Day 3 I nearly skipped while walking the dogs. The greens were amazing. So for all the rain, the result was pure brilliance. I'll take the bitter with the sweet along my path.

Day 4 reminded me that even when I feel fragile as a parent, there are other parents feeling the same thing. What I thought was going to be a hassle of calling all the parents who did not RSVP for their kid coming to Nate's b-day party was actually a gift - a reminder that other parents sometimes miss the little details, that other spouses/partners don't always communicate things like kids' activity schedules and that the black hole of Nate's backpack seems to have other locations as well. I found gratitude in the reminders to lighten up on parenthood.

Day 5 Laughed with YMCA kids making "ants on a log" (celery, raisins and cream cheese). Little kids make ya smile. I need to hang out with the little guys more.

May 1, Day 1: 100 days of peace

It was the best of times. It was the worst of times.

These simple thoughts started me on the idea of a 100 days of peace. Intellectual, spiritual, physical peace... although world peace would not be too bad either.

I had lofty intentions to spend the day focused on gratitude. Reality? Not so much.

The day started with weariness from all the travel and unfulfilled expectations; I'm afraid I let a bunch of people down at NAYDO by not getting to spend much time with them.

I was even tempted to say, "I'll start tomorrow." As I lashed out a few times at the little aggravations of parenthood, I thought, "Perhaps this is not such a good idea."

But here it is day one and for all the challenges, I am going to chose to end the day at peace with myself. I'm going to choose the little things and "count them" as steps on my new peace pathway.

I'll save the big things of peace for another day. Today I count five actions as honest moments of peace.

* I apologized sincerely to the kids when I spoke out in anger.
* I tidied up the house, not looking for praise but rather because if brought me calm at the end of the day.
* I walked both dogs and enjoyed the brilliant greens of spring.
* Two loads of laundry...not very exciting to most, but the chore brought me a sense of order.
* I took the kids for Puccini's and Orange Leaf and just relaxed.

Small moments of gratitude for the blessings in my life. I will embrace them.

Oh, and I just heard on the late news...Bin Laden is dead. I still pray that maybe peace in the world is possible afterall.

Elder Wisdom

Some days it hits me more than others just how incredibly blessed I am.

Today was one of those days.

Somehow fortune smiled upon me in the form of Lexington sage who found me and decided I was worth investment - in time, spirit and wisdom. His to give that is and mine to reap!

There is something quite remarkable when someone who has no apparent benefit, no profit motive, and possibly no additional gain to himself takes an interest to mentor, coach, stretch you.

Such has been my adventure over the past year. Wonderful one-on-ones, a tasty lunch at some cool place and amazing conversation and thought.

Just when I thought it couldn't get any better, he's decided to introduce me to new folks... other wise elders willing to share a thought, idea, dream, challenge.

In a world content with emails and tweets, postings and texts, I float in the joy of leisurely lunch topics and a world of seventy-something insight.

Let me soak it all in. May I use it well. May I pass it on.