Departure

A few departures are painful, raw and just plain hurt. Other exits we run toward with pure bliss. Some seem to come and go with bittersweet memories. Acknowledged. Yet simply passing as a new journey begins. No drama needed today. Just a loaded car, a faithful dog and gratitude for those I love.... because you'll never leave my side anyway.

Boxes

I am not a keeper. I admit it.

I can hold a memory as easily as a box full of stuff symbolizing that memory.

So when it comes to packing up a house, well, I would just as soon start over as sort and box up a bunch of stuff. But sort and box one must sometimes for the others in your life.

My family and I, we have been as happy living in a house staged for sale as we ever were in a house full of things. Just saying.

So instead of packing another box, I think I will just go make another memory with the ones I love.

Little Detour

I love TED. Yesterday, I happened upon Stacey Kramer sharing thoughts on the best gift she ever survived. The lightening bolt for me: “The next time you’re faced with something that’s unexpected, unwanted and uncertain, consider that it just may be a gift.” (for a great reminder, check it out on www.ted.com)

So while many keep asking me am I okay? Worried? Mad? Freaked out? I have to answer I am just fine thank you very much. I am leaning into faith. I am moving way past the "what could have been." And I am reinvesting what matters most - me and my family.

I have the amazing chance to talk and listen to the wisdom of my moms. I have time to converse with my husband on what works best for all of us. We get to consider how to make the next step in some creative ways. And I get the rare chance to push pause and simply slow down and reflect.

An additional bonus of the gift of time determined solely by me, I have been working myself through a series of head to toe items. Health checks ups for my milestone(50)body. Spiritual tune-ins on what is God's plan for our lives. Mental/heart gymnastics on what matters - things and otherwise.

Going 100 miles an hour for years has had its moments. Yet, I will take this gift and open it slowly - determining how fast and which moments to create next. All wrapped up in unexpected and uncertain comes a detour that just keeps giving.

Cluttered

I carry lists in my head.

For quite a while they have been lists focused on really important stuff. What's God speaking into my heart? What does my family need? I carried what my staff needed, what my volunteers needed. I even carried thoughts on what could benefit my community. And of course ideas on world peace.

You know the big stuff.

It was a lot to carry around in my head. Even more for the weight it placed on my heart.

But I find myself with a bit of time to de-clutter. To unload. To lean on rather than necessarily be leaned upon. It's a bit disconcerting but not really in a bad way.

Wading through the quagmire, I find time to be quiet. To listen. To notice who sticks and who doesn't. To contemplate trust and confidence and truth.

And I find myself on the path to start different lists. Rows and lines of what God is whispering. What would comfort my family? Where do I perform at my highest potential? Who would I like to be around in work and leisure? How can I be as cool as one of my local heroes?

I know I have been given a gift - maybe in the form of a challenge - but a gift non-the-less. I noticed. No additional two by fours needed.

Oh and just for the record...world peace is still on the list.

True That

Truisms of the moment...

1. Stick to truth even when it's not always pretty, perfect and can easily be skewed.

2. Glance back fondly and then quickly re-focus forward.

3. Don't stop forgiving yourself and others and offer grace even when not reciprocated.

4. You can't change made-up minds in the moment... and there likely will come a time when you don't really mind that you can't.

5. Absolutely play favorites with those who love excellence and embrace positive change... and encourage as many as you can to join the favorites team.

6. Hindsight and side-line-sights often offer distinctly different views in the moment. Real life doesn't come with a challenge call and a rewind button to see the play in motion. So take the perspective, learn from it and keep playing. (my husband would appreciate that sports analogy)

7. It's nice to have folks who absolutely know your character (flaws and all) and still take the option to like you! It just might surprise you who falls into that bucket when push comes to shove.

8. Early embracing of the idea of change doesn't mean everyone will have the strength to push through the work required to actually get there. Change is messy.

9. Lean into people who pray with and for you.

10. Never. Ever. Stop learning.

Remind Me Who I Am

I have become friends lately with the unexpected and uncontrollable. Not good friends mind you, but friends. We've walked hand and hand. I've been tugged along. And today I was plain drug behind a moving proverbial truck - dusty, soiled, raw.

Jason Gray has an amazing song that speaks to my heart today and the path I and my new pals self-doubt and sorrow share. Here are a couple of the verses...

"When I lose my way and I forget my name,remind me who I am.

In the mirror all I see is who I don't wanna be; remind me who I am.

In the loneliest places,when I can't remember what grace is.

Tell me once again who I am to you. Who I am to you. Tell me must I forget who I am to you. That I belong to you. To you.

When my heart is like a stone, and I'm running far from home, remind me who I am.

When I can't receive your love, afraid I'll never be enough, remind me who I am.

If I'm your beloved,can you help me believe it..."

LOVE THAT SONG.

Holding on with all my might. Today I am earning the blog title of "recalibrated by grace, living in gratitude."

So glad my awesome God knows I am on this path and has a plan for me to prosper and not to fail.

One Breath. One Step.

Running along the barren corn and bean fields this morning, I had to keep psyching myself up. Feeling overwhelmed, tired... out into the cold air to shake it off.

Peace did not come easily.

I wrestled with my thoughts and memories. Tangled in realities and dreams as if they were in step with me under the gray skies.

One breath. One step. It became my mantra.

Clear my head only to find floods of thoughts seeping back in.

One breath. A flash of sitting with my dad as he took his last exhale. The moment sealed forever in the recesses of my mind. Not one single regret or fear of words unspoken.

One step. Remembering my other dad driving me away from a bad relationship, telling me time heals. Wisdom earned. Lesson lost and relearned with equal patience.

One breath. Late night calls of loss that knock the initial breath away. A brother. A grandfather. Others who came and went but left a mark.

One step. Generational shuffling. Who's watching out for whom? Those cared for become the caretakers.

One breath. One step. A thousand images hitting the pavement. Laughter and tears intertwined. No order.

They land in tempo. Spent.

Second Thoughts

One of the things I am contemplating this winter and trying to pay more attention to is my second thoughts. Not in the regrets kind of way, but rather in the noticed it... will I act on it kind of way.

It has surfaced in small ways. I noticed the can or paper in the parking lot. Do I stop and pick it up kind of moment. I am in a hurry. Do I still take the stairs opportunities? Do I walk down the hall or send the speedy email? Do I write my notes of praise each day...even when I am running late?

Lots of little moments. Lots of tiny opportunities to act on my second thoughts to do the right thing.

Tonight I nearly ran over a big opportunity. Literally.

After I had already gotten comfy for the night, I realized the dogs were out of food. Sure, they could go one night… but I had a second thought on it.

Out I went to get dog food.

Second thoughts are not always convenient.

When I was driving out of the lot, a man was right on the edge of the curb.

Whoa.

I noticed his eyes first. Tired? Sad? I decided they looked weary.

Then I noticed the sign. “Homeless. Looking for work to buy a tent, food and something warm.”

First thought, “I don’t carry or give cash on the street. After all, I don’t know how it will be used.” Score one for my inner cynic.

He gave a bit of a wave, and I drove on.

About a block a way, I heard the second thought. The thought that made me drive ½ a mile, go to a gas station, grab a few dollars and drive back. Yes, that’s right my second thought was explicit. You noticed. Do not overlook it. Go back.

"He will answer them, 'I'm telling the solemn truth: Whenever you failed to do one of these things to someone who was being overlooked or ignored, that was me - you failed to do it to me.'” (Matthew 25:45, The Message)

When I spoke to the man, he was much younger than I originally noticed. He was shivering. His teeth chattered as I greeted him and shared my small offering. He spoke a brief thank you and God bless. His eyes lifted ever so slightly.

How will he use the cash? A tent, warmer clothes, food? Alcohol, cigarettes, drugs? I have no idea. But I decided I’d error on the side of not ignoring.

I have so many opportunities to notice and act.

I am choosing not ignore my second thoughts.

Enough Already

When coming back from church this morning I saw a house with all sorts of Christmas items in the yard. There for the world to see was an exorbitamce of holiday cheer gone amuck...Snowman blow up, Santa and his sleigh, Snoopy holiday scene, candy canes, angels, lit-gift boxes, lights everywhere and, of course, baby Jesus in the manger.

Perhaps you know the kind of place I am talking about.

I am sure it brought them joy, but it got me thinking.

As I was paused contemplating the explosion of merriment, I had to wonder what in my life is over the top, excessive, outrageous? What hodge-podge of a mess do I have hanging out - perhaps as glaringly obvious to others as that wacky house, maybe more hidden to everyone but my spirit.

Is it stuff? Perhaps drama? Excessive emotion? Over-the-top frustration? Unwarranted fear? Is it trying to please others? How about judgment? Just what?

I spent the better part of the day then pondering, "When is enough, enough already?"

And on this 1st day of a new year, I decided to keep asking myself that question thoughout the year until I peel away the profusion that pulls me down.

I already feel lighter.